One of my personal best Special Days of the Year.
Here is the Official (??) Songs - Anthems Of This Day
I have to however criticise the selection of the date as unapropriate for christian ethos.....
Here is the Official (??) Songs - Anthems Of This Day
I have to however criticise the selection of the date as unapropriate for christian ethos.....
1st.....the steak: Gordan Ramsay’s guide to cooking steak “on the big night” (March 14th)
2nd.....The perfect head…
The following (awesome) guide
was created by Linda Gondelle over at VICE. After trawling the web for guides, tips and
intros we felt her sexual synopsis best captured the fundamental art of giving
head.
If after reading this you’re still looking for guidance then the Video Techniques section is your next port of call - real women giving real advice on really good BJs.
If after reading this you’re still looking for guidance then the Video Techniques section is your next port of call - real women giving real advice on really good BJs.
Linda Gondelle - VICE:
Giving good head is an art
form that I didn’t perfect until I was in my mid-twenties. Before that I was
constantly bewildered, usually drunk and often left wondering why I kept
getting “fired.” I had the intent, concentration and attitude, but I also had
an overbite and too many wine coolers. It was high school. What did I know?
Then I met Yves, the prototypical older boyfriend. Born and raised in Montreal,
he was used to supremo suck from the “filles de roi” and this Ontario girl was
going to rank. Since then I have, quote, “rocked”, “ruled”, “owned”, and
“paralysed” some of the best cock this side of the Mississippi. My experience,
combined with epic VICE research, is available for you now. Here we go!
Step #1: Don't Spend All Your Chips
Before you even start this
discussion you have to look at your budget. You have about twenty minutes of
sex chips on any given night. If you spend fifteen chips sucking him off, he’s
only got five chips left for humping.
Step #2: The Evil Dr Tooth
Your teeth don’t exist. They
might as well be in a glass by the bed. Use the same principle applied when
eating a super cold Popsicle with a mouthful of freshly filled, sensitive
molars. You have to make a cave with your mouth and use your tongue, upper and
back palate to form a careful vacuum to keep him away from your teeth. Keep
this exercise in mind throughout your entire blowjob. It’s easy to slip,
especially when you’re drunk. One trick is to pull your lips over your teeth
like they’re those boxing mouth guards.
Step #3: The Right Mindset
The key to cock is in the
focus. You must be fixated for the entire duration of your down time. Remember
the concentration required to kill an ice cream cone without getting any on
your blouse? Why do you think they make sex oils in all of your favorite
candy/ice cream flavors? It elicits a freaky Pavlovian trance of focus and
completion. Think of good head as the Great Pacifier.
Step #4: Believe
We’re not talking about the
half-ass, licking-until-hard-then-insertion action here. That’s “lovemaking” in
the whitest way. If you’re not willing to trust him and commit yourself with
100 percent total devotion to his penis, don’t bother. You have to worship it
like you’re Indiana Jones and you’ve finally made it to the Temple of Doom. (If
worshipping his cock makes you feel vulnerable it’s probably because he’s a
macho asshole and you are sucking off the wrong guy.) Remember, there’s a
psychosexual paradox going on here. You are giving him head and he is getting
his cock sucked. You are both a slave to his dick and totally in control of it,
like an actress who stars in and directs her own movies.
Step #5: Heading South
Before you break off from his mouth and head downstairs, prepare the
landing pad with your hand. Horse around until it’s hard as stone. Assure him
there’s going to be some heavy mouth action but don’t let it start until he’s
ready to crack.
Rub, rub, rub through the pants like it’s a baby animal just about to be born. Firmly tug at the belt buckle like it’s your own. Try not to fumble too much with the belt but it’s OK to ask for his help. Don’t get fired before you’ve even taken on the job. Communication is crucial because guys have trouble refusing head no matter how bad they think you might be at it. Making sure he’s happy with how it’s going without seeming insecure is one of the hardest parts of giving head.
Extra tip: Don’t fuck up with the zipper. If you hurt his penis here it’s all over. Pull the zipper up and out, away from his penis, not straight down. Use two hands if you need to, like if he’s huge or not wearing any underwear.
Key: If he seems to be steering this ride (keeping his hands hovering over or on your head), read the road signs and ask some soft questions. Are you going too fast, hard, soft, slow? You’re not looking for a detailed map or long discussion. One or two uttered words – a deep moaning “yes” or “oooohmmmokay” or “ohhhh, yeahyeahyeah” – will do fine.
Rub, rub, rub through the pants like it’s a baby animal just about to be born. Firmly tug at the belt buckle like it’s your own. Try not to fumble too much with the belt but it’s OK to ask for his help. Don’t get fired before you’ve even taken on the job. Communication is crucial because guys have trouble refusing head no matter how bad they think you might be at it. Making sure he’s happy with how it’s going without seeming insecure is one of the hardest parts of giving head.
Extra tip: Don’t fuck up with the zipper. If you hurt his penis here it’s all over. Pull the zipper up and out, away from his penis, not straight down. Use two hands if you need to, like if he’s huge or not wearing any underwear.
Key: If he seems to be steering this ride (keeping his hands hovering over or on your head), read the road signs and ask some soft questions. Are you going too fast, hard, soft, slow? You’re not looking for a detailed map or long discussion. One or two uttered words – a deep moaning “yes” or “oooohmmmokay” or “ohhhh, yeahyeahyeah” – will do fine.
Step #6: Birthing
Slide your hand into the underwear. The baby animal is a little afraid of
being born and has to get to know your hand so it can feel safe and come out.
Hover over his groin here for five seconds (not too long or you will seem like
a spectre and that will make him feel self-conscious).
Extra tip: If he starts mashing your head down, don’t smack his hand away.
Gently grab his wrist and place it down by his side again. Hold it there for a
second as if to say, “Relax, guy. I’ve got it.” Incidentally, where did you
meet this guy?
Step #7: Getting the Balls Rolling
Now, somebody hasn’t received much attention up until now. Here’s where our
face and hands have a bit of prep work to do. Cup and caress his balls in the
hand you don’t use for writing. They can take a bit of abuse, but only with
your heavy wet tongue. Find his balls first with your mouth by burying your
face in the space between his thighs and crotch and take one of them in your
mouth and wet and spit it up. Don’t be afraid to make things wet as hell.
You’ll need your dexterous hand to complete the lock and seal around the
shaft. It’s wet from your spit, too and remember, you don’t have any teeth.
This is a game you play with yourself: No teeth, I have no teeth, I only have
gums and lips and tongue. No teeth.
At the base, your mouth finally meets your hand and your tongue slicks up
the shaft with more hot spit. Wet hand goes down around the shaft with
forefinger and thumb acting as the extension of mouth. Moan on it because
everybody’s just met. Here’s the freeze frame: mouth puffed out, lips like an
anus, down around the top few inches, tongue pressing the cock into an oral
groove, good hand around the shaft and bad hand is rotating around the balls with
slightly firm yet gentle rubs. Teeth not invited to the party.
Now that you’ve made the lock, never take your hand and mouth off or away
from his cock. You’re not gobbing on it and you’re barely hitting a rhythm. You
are wetting down the penis with spitty, rhythmic foreplay to achieve the
correct balance of slickness and traction. No baby kisses here; you’re all
mouth and tongue and hand. The whole area should begin to feel like a wet,
wellgreased-down, slow-moving internal combustion engine that is just gearing
up.
Extra tip: At some point, lock eyes with him while your mouth is first
introduced to his cock. Remember he’s filming this with his brain and may use
it as masturbation fodder for years to come. You can even jerk him off for a
bit. It’s a nice break for everyone and the variety keeps things interesting.
Step #8: Rhythm and Motion
He will instinctively begin to rock slightly. Never stop moving along with
him, but be a bit off so you’re undulating over his weenie slightly offbeat.
It’s important at this point to make sure you avoid getting skull-fucked.
Control the tempo yourself.
Your hand should form a tube like a skirt around your mouth, with your thumb
and forefinger like a belt that meets your lips. Keep it well lubricated and
don’t stay static. Your other fingers can fan and fold and tickle and tug as
your mouth and tongue circle and bob up and down the top part. Most of the
feeling is in the head of the penis so don’t waste too much time on the shaft.
You’re looking for a tempo akin to “Pop Goes the Weasel” played at half speed.
Never lose the rhythm or the concentration of your mouth up and down around the
tip of the penis.
By now you’re gripping the shaft gently and firmly with both good and bad hands in a dizzy of fingers and spit. Fan down and grip up, grip up and fan down. Mouth stays on over the top, deep then shallow, all the way out, all the way down. Hands have to help out the mouth. Mouth can’t do all the work.
Don’t make the goal here an orgasm. Have no expectations. This is the slick middle of giving head that gets you familiar with his rhythm and lets your mouth be the most talented pussy since your own.
Extra tip: Again, it helps to lock eyes. It reminds you of what you’re doing and who you’re doing it to. It’s an intense moment and it breaks a trance if you’ve found yourself in one. Guys can tell if you’re sucking to get it over with instead of getting him off, and it hurts their feelings. A little.
By now you’re gripping the shaft gently and firmly with both good and bad hands in a dizzy of fingers and spit. Fan down and grip up, grip up and fan down. Mouth stays on over the top, deep then shallow, all the way out, all the way down. Hands have to help out the mouth. Mouth can’t do all the work.
Don’t make the goal here an orgasm. Have no expectations. This is the slick middle of giving head that gets you familiar with his rhythm and lets your mouth be the most talented pussy since your own.
Extra tip: Again, it helps to lock eyes. It reminds you of what you’re doing and who you’re doing it to. It’s an intense moment and it breaks a trance if you’ve found yourself in one. Guys can tell if you’re sucking to get it over with instead of getting him off, and it hurts their feelings. A little.
Step #9: The Final Countdown
Something happens between giving the blow job and the point of no return.
His balls get hard and begin to disappear. Cute. You will know this because bad
hand is on the job. He stiffens and arches his body toward your mouth and his
moaning may get a bit more whimpery and ardent. Now everything gets a lot harder
but a lot easier at the same time. Good hand is pumping a bit more penis into
the mouth. Both work together, making the tempo a bit stormier but still
controlled. Moaning should be almost frantic here. A vacuum begins to form
between the hand and mouth, working up and down as you slightly suck in your
cheeks. There’s an important distinction between sucking the shit out of it and
simply making a vacuum seal out of your mouth. Vacuum is better. Sucking hard
can make him convulse.
He’s so hard now that it might be difficult to take it all in, but try relaxing your throat muscles. Make a deep “ahhh” sound. Move your mouth and hand up and down with more ardor and purpose. Vary your mouth movements, but don’t lose the gentle vacuum. Use good hand to control the pumping and keep your mouth firmly wrapped and sealed in spit around the wet cock.
He’s so hard now that it might be difficult to take it all in, but try relaxing your throat muscles. Make a deep “ahhh” sound. Move your mouth and hand up and down with more ardor and purpose. Vary your mouth movements, but don’t lose the gentle vacuum. Use good hand to control the pumping and keep your mouth firmly wrapped and sealed in spit around the wet cock.
Step #10: The Finish Line
This is it. Increase the speed of your mouth and good hand. Let him feel
you pulling his orgasm right out of him. Guys, it’s OK to tell her you’re about
to blow, but don’t be a rock star. Say it nice and soothing like you’re going
to cry and you don’t know why. (Who’s the subordinate little puppy now?) Your
hands are slickly wrapped and your mouth is sucking his cock faster but with
subtle undertones of a gentle coaxing. Start to make swallowing motions, press
your tongue on the shaft and slightly relax your lips. Moan hard and low in
anticipation of the best orgasm you’ve ever created.
Extra tip: If it’s so good you start losing him in some surreal
never-ending ending, stop and let him have a wank while you lick his balls.
That’s always a surefire way to get things back on track.
Step #11: The Blowing of the Load
Spitting it out means like. Swallowing means love. And gargling with cum
makes you look like a crazy slut that probably has STDs. Most guys don’t care
about where it goes eventually, but there are some ways to keep it sexy and
fun. If he’s into it, he may want to cum on your face. It’s just cum and you
trust him. It has to go somewhere and it’s good for your skin. Wherever it
goes, wipe it up soon. No one can relax and fall asleep when paste is hardening
around them.
Extra tip: Push on his t’aint while he’s cumming.
Extra tip: Push on his t’aint while he’s cumming.
Step #12: Swallowing
Swallowing is important. It shows a kind of love and acceptance that has
big payoffs during pussyeating time, morning sex, and menstruation. The easiest
way is to be upright and kneeling between his legs because gravity cuts down on
the gag factor and if it’s far enough in the back of your mouth, it slides down
like a slutty oyster. Swear to God. Important: You are not going to get AIDS
from swallowing. It’s safest to make sure you don’t brush your teeth right
before or right after, but relax. It’s fine.
Step #13: The Aftermath
Once he’s spent, he’s pretty
exhausted and probably in another land. You’re not going to get him back. Keep
a warm hand on top of it for a bit, like a shock blanket used by paramedics.
Just lie there while he mumbles “holy shit” to himself for a few hours while you fall asleep. It’s your lullaby."
Just lie there while he mumbles “holy shit” to himself for a few hours while you fall asleep. It’s your lullaby."
P.S. don't mistake me for a sexist i'll be back for the analog Cake and Cuninlingus Day @ 14 April.....
P.S.2 If u still in doubt i know it is π day also but.....
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